Psychology Expert Tara Çapar gave important warnings to parents about the need for children to say “no” from time to time. Çapar said that if parents go to extremes in their duties to protect and supervise and do not allow them to make mistakes, children may experience problems such as addiction, inability to socialize, and inability to determine their boundaries.
Acıbadem Adana Hospital Psychologist Tara Çapar gave important warnings to parents about the need for children to say “no” from time to time. Psychologist Çapar stated that if parents do not allow their children to say no, they leave their children in the unprotected hands of the world and said, “Preventing a child from saying no means creating obstacles that that child will carry with him throughout his life. People who cannot say no cannot be separate and independent from others, and they get lost in the wants and needs of others. We can compare mild-mannered people to chameleons; after a while, it becomes difficult to distinguish them from their environment. Moreover, it becomes impossible for people who cannot say no to see the evil in their lives. Let your child say no,” he said.
Fear of abandonment also prevents saying no
Psychologist Çapar stated that it is usually impossible to say no out of fear of hurting the other person, fear of abandonment, fear of the other person's anger, feeling shame, being criticized. Psychologist Çapar mentioned that people with a very strict and critical conscience see themselves guilty even in matters that they are not actually guilty of and surrender to the feeling of guilt, “Thus, he submits to his critical and strict conscience. With our fear of going against our conscience, over time we start to say no to others and say yes to bad events, people and behaviors. People are afraid of losing the love in their lives if they set boundaries, but this is wrong. Boundaries are like fences with gates, not rigid but flexible. Our boundaries have gates, we can choose what we let in with our own free will.”
They must be responsible for their own behavior
Emphasizing that learning boundaries from childhood helps to feel honest, responsible, free and happy, Psychologist Çapar stated that no one likes to be told no and that it is difficult to accept, but that solid relationships are built on objecting and standing up. Underlining that in order for children to feel safe in their lives, they should say words such as “No, no, I don't like you touching me like this, I don't agree with you, I won't do it”, Çapar said, “If parents distance themselves from their children in the face of their anger, children may start to hide these aspects. When the child is angry, his/her mother and father saying 'you are upsetting me with this behavior' may cause the child to feel responsible for the health of his/her family. Making children feel that they have a choice helps them feel responsible for their own behavior. For example, 'if you tidy your room, I will let you play, if you don't tidy your room, you can't play today.' Thus, the child decides for himself what he wants and what he will lose, how much he will be upset or not.”
Çapar pointed out that children may experience problems such as dependency on others, inability to socialize, and inability to set boundaries when parents go to extremes in their responsibilities to protect and supervise children and do not allow them to make mistakes.
These decisions affect the future of the child
Underlining that boundaries are very necessary when raising children, Psychologist Çapar said: “Boundaries greatly affect children's character, their own values, their school success, their social life, their school friends, the person with whom they will have a romantic relationship and their professional life. The biggest thing that can be given to children is a sense of responsibility. The child who is given responsibility should know what they can say no to, what they are responsible for and what they are not responsible for.”
Pointing out that creating boundaries for children at a young age is extremely important for their future lives, Çapar explained that informing and educating children about a task is called “positive discipline” and the process of children becoming responsible by allowing them to bear the consequences of their behavior is called “negative discipline”.
Maturing by making mistakes
Stating that people reach a certain maturity by making mistakes, Psychologist Çapar said the following:
“Discipline liberates people and frees us to make mistakes without fear of being judged or losing. For the child who does not fulfill the given task, 'You did not read your book yesterday when you were supposed to read your book, this does not mean that I stopped loving you. You are always in my heart. But you won't be able to play games today because you didn't read a book' and our relationship with the child will continue unharmed.”
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